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[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Ross enters.]
Ross: The nurse said to bring in another woman.
(Rachel is standing at the side of the bed.)
Rachel: Uh, is she pregnant yet? She doesn’t need to be. She’ll still have the baby before I do. Oh, Ross, another contraction!
Ross: Here, here. (he stands behind her and holds her hands) That’s it, that’s it.
(The woman is wheeled in.)
Woman: Ooh, that sounds like a bad one.
Rachel: Yeah, it is.
Woman: I haven’t had one so bad. Ooh, here comes one now! (makes some weird noise...it’s obviously not a bad contraction) Well, that was a big one.
(Rachel motions to Ross and he closes the curtains.)
[Scene: The registration desk. Phoebe goes up.]
Phoebe: Excuse me. Could you help me? The patient I’m looking for has a broken leg, he’s in a wheelchair, and he’s like in his early to mid thirties, very attractive.
Registration Lady 2: I know who you’re talking about.
Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! What room number is he in?
Registration Lady 2: I’m sorry. That information is restricted to hospital standards.
(Joey walks up.)
Joey: (in his soap opera voice) Uh, she’s with me. Dr. Drake Remoray.
(He shakes hands with her.)
Registration Lady 2: Dr. Drake who?
Joey: Remoray. It’s Portuguese. We need that information, I’m a doctor.
Registration Lady 2: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Dammit, woman, we’re losing time! Now, do you want this man’s blood on your head?
Joey: ...hands? It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room that man my assistant just described is staying in. He’s a patient of mine. I’ve been treating him for years.
Registration Lady 2: He’s in room 816.
Joey: 816. Thank you!
Phoebe: Thank you.
Joey: And what is his name?
(She drags him away.)
[Scene: An empty room. Chandler and Monica peek in and enter.]
Monica: We found a place.
(They start making out.)
Monica: Wait, don’t we have to set the mood a little?
Chandler: Oh. We’ll dim the lights, dim the lights. (he hits the switch and they go completely out) Or, turn them out altogether. No scented candles... Oh, here, here we go.
(He sprays air freshener over the bed that Monica is laying on.)
Monica: Ok, ok. Making me sterile, but ok. (They start making out on the bed) That’s right. (starts unbuttoning her shirt) Oh, wait, do we have a condom? ...Oh, that’s right.
(They continue until the lights turn on and a nurse stands in the doorway, looking at them.)
Chandler: Oh yes, 98.6 You’re going to be fine.
(He gets off her.)
[Scene: The hall. Joey and Phoebe search for room 816.]
Phoebe: Oh, this is it.
(She peeks in. The guy is eating.)
Joey: Great. Great. Go.
Phoebe: Wait a second. Or maybe, you could go in first.
(Joey peeks in.)
Joey: He’s not really my type.
Phoebe: No, not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. you could ask him questions and see what he’s like. People tell doctors everything.
Joey: You said he was this great guy.
Phoebe: All the guys I meet seem real nice at first, but then they seem like the biggest jerks!
Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
(She starts messing with a tray of instruments, which includes a stethoscope.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Dr. Long is back.]
Rachel: Dr. Long, I’ve been in labor for seventeen hours. Three women have come and gone with their babies. You have got give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Three?! I’m dilated three!!!
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly.
Dr. Long: Don’t worry. You’re doing great. I’ll be back soon.
Rachel: Hey, y’know what, I’m not waiting. I’m going to push the baby out. I, I mean, three centimeters, it’s gotta be like this.
(She holds her hands about eight centimeters apart.)
Ross: Actually, it’s more like this.
(He pushes them in.)
Rachel: Ugh, stupid metric system.
(A woman gets wheeled in on a bed, screaming.)
Doctor: Oh my. We need to take you straight to the delivery room.
(She’s wheeled out.)
Rachel: For the love of God!!
Woman: It’s coming, it’s coming!
Doctor: And here it is!
(The baby cries.)
Rachel: Oh come on!!
[Scene: Room 816. Joey enters as Dr. Drake Remoray, and wearing a white doctor’s jacket.]
Joey: Hey, I’m Dr. Drake Remoray and I’ve got a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Guy: But, really, I’ve been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey: I know, but just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of your status and he sent me.
Guy: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. You passed. All right. Full name.
Guy: Clifford Burnett.
Joey: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16, 1968.
Cliff: Can’t you figure that out based on my date of birth?
Joey: I’m a doctor, Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: I’m 33.
Joey: Oh. And, uh, are you married?
Joey: Thirty-three and single? So, would you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
(Joey flips through the papers on the clipboard.)
Cliff: Well, uh, if you must know, I’m a widower.
Joey: Uh, that’s terrible. I’m really sorry.
Joey: Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Joey: Excellent, excellent. And, uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff, you know, sexually?
Cliff: Uh, no!
Joey: Ooh, wrong answer.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. A nurse holds open the door.]
Nurse: This room’s available.
Rachel: Ok, ok, wait. Listen to me. Listen to me. Since I have been waiting, for women, that’s for, one centimeter more than I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies. I’m next. It’s my turn. It’s only fair!! If you bring in one more woman and she has her baby before me, I’m going to sue you! (the nurse looks a bit scared) Not this hospital, I’m going to sue you! And my husband, he’s a lawyer.
Ross: Uh, Rach.
Rachel: You get back on that case, honey!!
Nurse: I don’t think the next patient is very far along.
Rachel: Oh, so wheel her in.
(It’s...wait for it...)
(Ross and Rachel stare at her in horror...so does the transcriber.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. It’s daytime.]
Janice: I cannot believe this!
Ross: And yet somehow it’s true.
Janice: I mean, this is so great. We’re going to be baby buddies!
Ross: Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby’s ears.
(Janice’s husband enters with a pillow.)
Janice’s husband: Hi, sweetie.
Janice: Hi. Hi, sweetheart. This is my husband, Sid. I don’t think you’ve met. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist’s office where I go for adult acne.
Sid: I still can’t believe it. I’m the luckiest guy in the world.
Sid: What’d he say?
Janice: You know what, you have to talk really loudly when you’re talking to Sid because he’s almost completely deaf.
Ross / Rachel: Oh, there you go. / Oh, I get it.
Janice: So, congratulations you two. I didn’t even know you got married.
Ross: No, no, we didn’t.
Ross: Oh, we’re just having this baby together. That’s all.
Ross: Well, uh, uh, we’re not in that place. But we’re very excited about all this.
Janice: Oh! Well, then shut me up.
Rachel: All right, just tell me how.
Janice: Uh oh, I feel another one coming.
(She starts making these really high, loud, extremely annoying sounds.)
Ross: Sid, you lucky deaf bastard.
[Scene: Outside room 816. Joey is telling Phoebe all Cliff’s stats.]
Phoebe: What else, what else?
Joey: Uh, he’s 33.
Joey: A widower.
Joey: He seemed like a stand up guy!
Phoebe: Uh huh.
Joey: Oh, but he’s not into anything weird, sexually.
Phoebe: Enter Pheebs.
(She goes in.)
[Scene: A dark, empty room. Chandler and Monica enter. They immediately start marking out.]
Chandler: Should we tell Rachel that there’s an empty private room right next to one of hers?
Monica: We could. Or we could have sex in it.
Chandler: Let me think about that...while I remove my pants!
(They make out some more...)
Monica: Oh, mister! (lays down on the bed) Fertilize me! (they commence making out. Then they hear this weird cry that sounds something like a sheep baa-ing.) Is that Janice?
Chandler: If not, then I think there’s two of them. And that would mean it’s the end of the world.
(They hurriedly get up.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Chandler and Monica enter.]
Rachel: (exhausted) Hi Mon.
Monica: I can’t believe it’s taking so long. How are you feeling?
Rachel: Oh, not bad. You know that feeling when you’re trying to blow a Saint Bernard through your ass?
Chandler: Weirdest thing. Did I hear - (Ross opens the curtain to reveal Janice in the other bed) Mother of God, it’s true.
Janice: Chandler Bing!
Ross: Not just Janice. Janice in labor. Contractions and everything.
Janice: Oh, this is easy. I have a very wide pelvis. You remember, Chandler.
Chandler: Janice, I didn’t even know you were pregnant. Who’s the unwilling human whose essence you’ve stolen?
Janice: It’s you. This is yours.
Janice: Aah, look how nervous he gets!! We haven’t slept together in years!!!
Chandler: That’s funny. Does it, does it hurt? Does the labor hurt?!
[Scene: Room 816. Phoebe is sitting with Cliff.]
Phoebe: Ok, I’ve got one for you. If you had to, which one would you rather eat? A seeing eye dog or a talking gorilla?
Cliff: I’d have to say, the talking gorilla. At least I could explain to him that you’re making me eat it.
Phoebe: Somebody went to college! Wow. (Cliff is fidgeting) What is it?
Cliff: I’m sorry. It’s just that my foot itches like crazy.
Phoebe: Oh, I’ll get it.
(She grabs a spoon.)
Cliff: Wow, I thought I’d get to know a girl before I let her spoon me.
Phoebe: Relax, it’s not like we’re forking.
(She wipes off the spoon and sticks it inside the cast to scratch his foot.)
[Scene: The Semi-Private Room. Janice is being taken away.]
Janice: Ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwww!!!
Rachel: Oh, that’s five, Ross, five women have had five babies. And I have had no babies!! Why doesn’t she want to come out?!
Ross: You know what I think it is? I think you’ve made such a nice home for her over the last nine months that she doesn’t want to leave.
Rachel: Ooh...look at you making a crack for me...
(She starts having a contraction. Dr. Long enters.)
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours. You’re a hero.
Rachel: Oh, but you gotta do something! You gotta give me drugs! Or you could just light a fire up in there and just smoke it out.
Dr. Long: Actually, I think you’re ready to go to the delivery room.
Dr. Long: Ten centimeters. You’re about to become a mom.
Rachel: Oh my God! Ok! (another lady enters) Ha ha ha, beat ya, sucka!!
[Scene: Room 816. Phoebe and Cliff are eating pudding.]
Cliff: Is this the same spoon that was in my cast?
Phoebe: You know what? This one is.
(She looks at it and eats off it anyway.)
Cliff: Oh my God, that’s the doctor that was in my room before!!
(Joey is on DOOL on the tv.)
Phoebe: Huh. Oh, Mr. [???].
Cliff: I’m telling you, that guy from that show was here, in my room, asking me all these weird questions!
Phoebe: Cliff, do you really believe that a character from a tv show was here in your room?
(Joey bursts in.)
Joey: Rachel’s having her baby!!... (Dr. Drake voice) Which is of no interest to me, as a neurologist. Uh...
Cliff: That’s him. You know him?
Phoebe: Uh oh. Oh. Uh, this, I sent Joey in here to find out stuff about you. If it, if it helps, you came out great. A lot better than I’m coming off now.
Cliff: I’m sorry, but you got him to coming in here as some fake doctor?
Joey: Fake? Oh, excuse me! (points at the tv) Does this look fake to you?
Cliff: And then you tried to make me think that I was crazy?
Phoebe: Oh. That was wrong. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s just that I like you so much. Can we just, can we just start over?
Cliff: I don’t think so.
Joey: Look, Cliff, you, you told me a lot of personal stuff about yourself. Maybe, maybe it’d help if you knew some personal stuff about her. Uh, she was married to a gay ice dancer. Um, she gave birth to her brother’s triplets. Oh, oh, her, her twin sister used to do porn! Uh...
Phoebe: Joey, we’re tying to dial down the crazy.
Phoebe: Um, look, we don‘t, we don’t really know each other, so it’d be really easy to forget about this, but there seems to be something between us. And I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t seem to happen to me a lot.
Cliff: It doesn’t happen to me either.
Joey: (sad) Me either.
[Scene: The delivery room. Rachel is giving birth.]
Dr. Long: Push. Push. Push for five more seconds. Five...four...
Rachel: (quickly) Three, two, one!!
Dr. Long: Ok, the next contraction should be in about twenty seconds.
Rachel: Oh, I can’t push anymore, I can’t, I can’t!
Ross: Sweetie, you’re doing a wonderful job.
Rachel: Oh, I got twenty more seconds more, Ross!!
Dr. Long: Oh, here we got. Keep pushing. Push. Wait. I see something.
Ross: You do? (he looks) Oh my God.
Rachel: Don’t say oh my God. Oh my God what?!
Ross: What’s that?
Dr. Long: It’s the baby’s buttocks. She’s breech.
Ross: oh, I thought she had two heads.
Rachel: Is she ok?
Dr. Long: She’s going to be fine. But she’s in a difficult position, so you’re going to have to push even harder.
Ross: Come on, go, go!
Dr. Long: Rachel, you’re going to have to push even harder, nothing’s happening.
Rachel: I’m sorry, I can’t!!
Ross: Hey, hey, come on, I know you can do this, let’s go.
Rachel: I can’t. No, please, can you do it for me?
Ross: No, come on. One final push. One, two, three.
(Rachel pulls her head up, knocking Ross to the floor.)
Dr. Long: Good.
Ross: (from the floor) Keep pushing!
Rachel: Are you ok?
(Ross gets up.)
Ross: You have no idea how much this hurts. (Dr. Long and Rachel stare at him) Keep going!!!
Dr. Long: Here we go!
Ross: She’s upside down, but she’s coming, she’s coming!
Rachel: Oh God!
Ross: Oh my God, she’s here. (Dr. Long holds up the baby) Oh my God, she’s perfect. Oh.
Rachel: Wow. She’s so tiny! (They take her away) Where’d she go? Where’d she go?
Ross: They’re just, they’re just wrapping her up.
Rachel: Oh, well, be careful with her, she’s really tiny.
Dr. Long: Here she is!
(She hands her to Rachel. The baby cries. Ross kisses her.)
Rachel: Hey you. Thanks for coming out of me. Aw, I know. Oh, she’s looking at me. Hi! I love you.
Dr. Long: Do we have a name yet?
Rachel: No, not yet.
Dr. Long: For now, we’ll just call her Baby Girl Green.
Rachel: Oh no. Baby Girl Geller-Green. (she kisses her) Hello Baby Girl...
[Scene: Rachel’s private room. Night. She’s holding the baby and Ross is taking pictures. The gang is at the door. Phoebe comes in.]
Phoebe: Can we come in?
Ross: Come on in, yeah.
Joey: Oh, there she is!
Monica: She’s so beautiful. Oh my God, she’s amazing. (she holds her) I’m so glad that you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler: It’s incredible. I mean, one minute she’s inside of you, and forty-seven hours later, here she is.
(Monica hands her to Joey.)
Joey: She looks so real. Y’know what I mean! She’s already this little person. She already has eyelashes and knees and...uh oh.
Joey: Oh no, no. For a moment there I thought she had six fingers, but one was on the other hand, so...
Phoebe: Oh, my turn. My turn.
Joey: Here’s Aunt Phoebe.
(He hands her over.)
Phoebe: Oh, you’re so cute! Oh. I could squeeze your little head! But I won’t.
(Rachel is crying.)
Monica: What’s the matter?
Rachel: Nothing, I just can’t stop crying.
Ross: The doctor said this is all completely normal and plus, you’re sleep deprived.
Rachel: Oh, you guys are all sleep deprived and I don’t see you weeping because you put your slippers on the wrong foot. Oh gosh.
Joey: What’s the matter now?
Rachel: I was re-living it!
Chandler: you already know what you’re going to call her yet?
Phoebe: Oh, she’s not going to be Baby Girl? I thought that was so original!
Ross: Actually, we, we narrowed it down to two names.
Rachel: Yeah, and you know what, I love them both. So why don’t you just pick one and that’ll be it?
Ross: Well, um, ok. Uh, everyone, this is Isabella.
All: Aww. / Hi, Isabella! / etc.
(She starts crying.)
Rachel: That’s not her name! I’m sorry, she just doesn’t feel like an Isabella.
Chandler: So I guess Ferdinand is out.
Joey: What was the other one, Ross?
Ross: Um, Delilah.
Rachel: Oh great. Suddenly she sounds like a Biblical whore.
Ross: Uh, so, I guess we’re back to Baby Girl.
Rachel: Well, what are we going to do?
Monica: It’s ok, sweetie, you’re going to find a name.
Ross: Uh, that’s easy for you to say. You already know what your kids’ names will be.
Chandler: You do?
Monica: Yeah. I had them picked out since I was fourteen.
Chandler: Oh no, it’s going to be named after some snack or baked good, isn’t it?
Rachel: Well, tell us, what are they?
Monica: Well, if it’s a boy, then Daniel.
Rachel: If it’s a girl?
Monica: I don’t want to say.
Rachel: Oh tell us. We’re not going to want it.
Monica: Ok. It’s Emma.
Rachel: Emma! (cries) See, I don’t want it!
Monica: Take it.
Monica: She’s clearly an Emma.
Rachel: Oh, but honey, you love that name.
Monica: Yeah, but I love you more. Besides, nothing goes with Bing, so I’m screwed. (takes Emma) Oh. Hi Emma. Yep, that’s you. You are a little Emma. Oh, what’s that, honey? (leans down to “hear” her better) Oh, you want a little cousin? You want a cousin right now?
(She looks at Chandler.)
[Scene: The hall. Chandler and Monica come out of a janitorial closet. They sigh.]
Chandler: That was amazing.
Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize that we may have changed our lives forever? We well be starting our own family. Nine months from now, we could be here, having our own baby.
Chandler: And if now, we got to do it on a bucket.
[Scene: Rachel’s room. She’s putting Emma down in one of those hospital bassinet things. Janice knocks and enters with her baby, a little boy.]
Janice: hello. Aaron Litman-Garolik [?] would like to say hello to his future bride.
Rachel: Oh. (sees the baby and gasps) Oh! He kinda takes your breath away, doesn’t he?
Janice: He’s a keeper. How are you feeling?
Rachel: Oh, y’know, I’m fine.
(She sits on the bed.)
Janice: Can I just say, I really admire what you’re doing, just raising her all alone.
Rachel: Well, I’m not doing it all alone. I have Ross.
Janice: Well, sure, now. But what happens when he meets somebody else and gets married?
Rachel: Well, then, he gets divorced. It’s Ross.
Janice: I’m telling you, Rachel. Listen to Janice. They all say they’re going to be there. Until they start their real family.
Rachel: Uh, uh, that’s never going to happen with Ross.
Janice: That’s what I thought about my first husband, but now I’m lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father, and the twins, and Little Miss New Boobs.
Janice: I hate to be the one to say it, but honey, you two are on your own.
Rachel: Well, that’s, well, you know. We’ve been alone for the last twenty minutes and that’s ok. Besides, maybe we won’t be alone because, lately, things have been happening between me and Ross. And right before I went into labor, we had this kiss. So it might be the beginning of something.
Janice: Oh hi.
Ross: Who’s this little (sees him) guuuyyy?
Janice: Say hello to Aaron, your future son-in-law.
Ross: No. No.
Janice: I’m going to leave the three of you alone.
Ross: Man, did you see the kid on that nose?
(He takes off his coat and puts it on a chair.)
Rachel: You know what I was thinking about? That kiss before we left the apartment. That was something, huh?
Ross: Yeah. It really was. But we, we gotta be careful. We, we can’t let that happen again.
Ross: I mean, we don’t want to go down that road, do we?
Rachel: No. No, that’s why I brought it up. They didn’t have any sodas?
Ross: Oh, I’m sorry. I was talking to this nurse. Completely forgot.
Rachel: And so it begins.
[Scene: Outside the nursery. Ross is watching. Phoebe walks up.]
Phoebe: Is she in there?
Ross: They’re putting her down now. That’s her. Emma. Oh.
Phoebe: I just can’t decide who she looks more like. You or Rachel.
Ross: What, are you kidding? She’s gorgeous. She’s all Rachel.
(A few seconds pass.)
Phoebe: I’m sorry. For the last time, why aren’t you together, again? No, I know, I know, because you’re not in that place. Which would be fine except you totally are.
Ross: It’s, it’s complicated, ok?
Phoebe: Yeah, that’s true. Yeah. You love her, you always have, you have a child together. There’s no right answer!
Ross: Look, we’ve been together. And then apart. And then together. And then apart. Now, we have a baby. It’s just if we got together again, and it didn’t work out...I could never do that to Emma. I mean, she came into the world thinking everything... (starts to cry) Now me! What, do they put something in the water in this place? Since Rachel and I, we’re doing really well right now, you know?
Phoebe: I know, I know. If you tried to make it work, you might wreck it. Right. Or you might get everything you’ve wanted since you were fifteen.
(Ross looks at her...)
[Scene: Rachel’s room. She’s thinking it all over. Joey knocks and enters.]
Joey: Hey. I just saw a woman breastfeeding both of her twins at the same time. It is like a freak show up here. What’s wrong?
Joey: No, what is it?
Rachel: Really, it’s nothing.
Joey: Rach, come on.
Rachel: I’ve just been thinking about how my baby and I are going to be all alone.
Joey: What are you talking about, alone? What about Ross?
Rachel: Oh please. He’ll be with his real family. The twins and Little Miss New Boobs.
Joey: Ok, how long was I watching that woman?
Rachel: I’m just saying that someday Ross is going to meet somebody and he’s going to have his own life. Right?
Joey: I guess so.
Rachel: I just never thought I’d be raising this baby alone. It’s pretty dumb, huh?
Joey: Hey, listen to me. you are never ever going to be alone, ok? I promise I won’t let that happen.
Rachel: Joey, sweetie, what would I do without you?
Joey: Here. (hugs her) You don’t have to worry about that, ok?
Rachel: Oh, honey, could you grab me my other box of tissues? They’re right under that chair, under Ross’s coat.
(Joey picks up the coat and the ring falls out. He gets on his knees and opens it.)
Joey: Oh my God.
Rachel: Joey? (he turns around, still on his knees and shows her the ring) Oh my God... Ok!
(Joey looks confused. He looks at the ring, and then realizes that Rachel thinks he’s proposing.)
(Cut to the elevator.)
Background music: The sign on the porch says three’s a crowd...
(The doors open and Ross walks out, carrying a bouquet of flowers. He walks down the hall. Fade to black.)